sister resistor...

Mindfulness Week- Day 4

This day started very roughly…

I had a panic attack…

A little history: I had a very scary episode in Feb 2010 where I fell just plainly walking across my living room. Afterwards, and for the next three months, my head move involuntarily. After three days in one hospital and another night in another, nothing was found. I went to a neurologist and was diagnosed with migraines, started on a med that messed with my memory and kinda kinked my senior year in college. While awaiting diagnoses and figuring out the head shakes, I thought the worst; MS, Parkinson’s, everything. I realized I could control it by completely omitting any and all animal products, including non milk ones hidden in most foods. This past few months, the shakes and tremors have been back and I don’t know why… I watched Love and other Drugs, and Anne Hathaway’s character had similar symptoms to mine, but she had Parkinson’s. Cue in shortness of breath.

I was amazed that I could still be so easily triggered by a movie. This hadn’t happened since last year…

The first thing I thought of was Vipassana. Once we take the time to listen, our bodies reveal what we’ve been avoiding. What I have been avoiding is stress…

I remember eating pizza Friday. I didn’t think of that this morning at 1 am. My head was wobbling, the movie freaked me out. I was S C A R E D. Thankfully, my friend, Paris, was available to talk me back to black. I’m thankful to her for knowing who I am and reminding me of it when I can’t remember.

My need to be in control threw me into a tailspin. I’m not working as much as I hoped to be a full year after graduation. My co-pilot is supportive, but I feel like a bum. Feeling like a bum has made me bitter, resentful, and stressed. Nothing like who I normally am.

In short, the panic attack was inevitable. It was coming.

Paris helped me remember that although I cannot contribute as much financially as I’d like, I still am valuable. I needed to hear this. I needed to let it resound in my body. I needed to know it deep in my toes, in my shoulders, in my mind’s eye… she remeinded me to take it one step at a time…

In response, I’m gonna extend my sits. No new sankaras…

Mindfulness in every step… One step at a time…

Four more days.

@tishushu